Ines Lopez

Setting boundaries can be a tricky thing. There is a lot of talk in the personal development world about boundaries. Many people recommend setting boundaries right away when an interaction is hurting you in any way. I don’t necessarily disagree, sometimes boundaries are needed. What I would like to invite you to reflect on is where the need for boundaries comes from. And how can you use this situation for your personal growth? 

Imagine that you have a friend or family member who spends your time criticising you and asking you for favours. On top of that when you help them out they always find fault in your actions. You are used to the constant commentary, you think perhaps they are right in what they are saying about you. Even when they get very abrupt you feel it is best to stay quiet and not argue. Because every time you try to defend yourself the whole thing escalates even more. They say you are not able to take constructive feedback and you are defensive. So you take it all in. Try to avoid getting hurt. Almost every time you meet with them is a rinse and repeat. You space the encounters as much as you can to minimise the damage.

One day another friend joins both of you. After seeing the dynamic the second friend shares with you their concerns. Perhaps that other relationship is not that good of a deal. And that makes you think about setting boundaries once and for all. You go over and over in your head on how to express your need for a change in the relationship. How to say it without getting hurt in the process, without ending up worse than you are now. 

There could be a few things going on underneath this situation. Those relationships that push you down rather than lift you don’t happen by coincidence. Let’s leave that aside though and focus first on why is it so hard to set the boundaries. At the core, there probably is a feeling of not feeling safe within yourself. Not feeling safe enough to trust in yourself and know that is ok to seek out what you need. It is ok for you to ask for what you want and need. Your feelings matter. But there is a catch. What you want needs to be balanced with the needs and rights of the rest of the people around you. After all, like it or not humans live in groups. Setting boundaries, and asking for what you want is ok. What makes it great is when you can set those parameters consciously, considering your highest benefit and the benefit of all those around you as well, as much as possible. Being able to set them from an empowered healed place. That balance is where the magic lies. That doesn’t mean you have to remain in relationships you don’t want to.

Setting those boundaries consciously is about understanding what limiting beliefs were at work in those situations. If your friend or family member is getting on your nerves, demanding you do things in a particular way and being dismissive or judgemental towards you, how is all that making you feel? Sure there could be anger, sadness, frustration, feeling powerless, misunderstood. Keep going, what is underneath? Working through that. Releasing all those emotions consciously will enable you to find peace and healing within yourself. So that when it comes the time to set boundaries you can do them from a lighter emotional space. Not from need or fear or anger, because you can’t take anymore what this person brings into your life. You will be setting those boundaries from a place of internal safety, confidence and valuing yourself. Those, and/or perhaps others, are the gifts that this relationship has brought you if you wish to unpack them.

This is an excerpt from my book “Journey to Safety”. A collection of art pieces and reflections to cultivate more safety. You can find it here .